My initial reaction? Yes, absolutely! Apparently I'm not alone, because "almost one-third of young women would trade at least a year of their lives to have a perfect body, according to a new survey of British undergraduates." But, because I'm me, I over analyzed my decision after the fact.
Which year would I have to give up? Would I die at 83 instead of 84? Would I have to lose a year I've already lived? Under whose interpretation of what defines a perfect body? Mine? Is a perfect body one that is also healthy? Ok, so apparently I need the full disclosure on the arrangement, to ensure no Twilight Zone twist! But if it means I turn 32 next month instead of 31, and I'm going to live a long time beyond that, my answer remains the same. Yup, I'm in. Sure, I'm far more than my exterior. I've also struggled with body image issues since adolescence. I have no qualms owning my shallowness. I also simply think it's not just being shallow; looking in the mirror and liking what I see would equate a better quality of life for me.
A life I long to attain! Curly turns two in a little more than a week and I have yet to reach my pre-pregnancy weight. It was nine months on, eight months off with Slim. I am swiftly approaching the time when I can no longer consider the extra pounds I'm carrying baby weight.
I have ranged from a size 8 to a size 18 in my adulthood. Life certainly wasn't perfect when I was thinner. I still managed to find things wrong with myself when I looked like this:
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| September 2007 - my sister's wedding |
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| September 2008 - 9 weeks pregnant with Curly in San Antonio, TX versus this: |
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| November 2004 - apparently the first year of marriage agreed with me a little too much |
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| January 2005 - Heaviest I've ever been. This was my before picture; lost 45 pounds that year. |
Unfortunately, today I'm back to where I felt a few years ago, even if I'm not that overweight.
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| March 2011 - The most recent picture of me |
Want to know why that's the most recent picture of me? Because I don't like how I look right now. That's a picture of me a week after I ran my first half marathon. I should be taking delight in what my body is capable of; instead, I'm cropping pictures to show the least amount of me possible. Pathetic. I come by my negative body image honestly - my Gran was known for cutting herself out of pictures she didn't like. I wonder what kind of field day she would have had if she had Photoshop!
Here's the lesson of the day and where I'm asking for accountability. Would I trade a year of my life for the perfect body? Looking back, I've traded much longer than that. If you add up all the time I've spent trying to reach my goal of perfection and believing I had little worth, wasn't I just throwing years away? Yes, I want to lose weight and fit into a size 8 again. Of course I do. But I want to teach my sons the amazing things a fit body can do. I want to enjoy ALL of who I am and stop obsessing over attaining perfection. I'm not going to throw out my scale, I need to keep track. I'm not going to stop negative self talk immediately, that'll take time. But I am going to set goals. And then break them down into smaller goals. I'll report back when I've come up with them!
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Curly accidentally called my Dad's cell phone this morning. So lucky that he didn't manage to call 911!
Slim has really been missing R lately. As I said in my first post, R has an insane commute. Long story as to why. Poor Slim has started asking R not to go to work. :( He's breaking our hearts!
Stop cropping yourself out of pictures! You are adorable! You are strong! You are a mother, and you a beautiful! What is perfection anyway? As I read the beginning of this post I found myself stop to ask, does that mean thin? Strong? Is healthy part of the perfect body? Just keep doing what you're doing and you'll be in that size 8 in no time. You're running half marathons, that's a lot of calories to burn. I wish I could run that far. :-/
ReplyDeleteRemember when Slim called me accidentally when he was like 18 months, and I thought you were lying dead in your house somewhere? And then I yelled into your home answering machine that I was going to call R or 911? Good times...;)
ReplyDeleteI totally hear ya. I rarely allow myself to be photographed anymore. And the sad thing is, because of that, there are so few photos of me with A, and I know I'll regret that someday. How do I explain the lack of photographic evidence of my presence in her early years? "Sorry sweetie, Mommy's ass was just too fat for cameras." What kind of message is that sending her? Uggh, this is one of those potentially crappy parenting moments I dread. :(