On the Docket

Here are some of the things I'm working on or have written and need to post:

- At the end of June, I set a goal of visiting one new park (to the boys, anyway) a week.  This means I'm also going to start The Playground Series up again!

- Finally highlight Curly's birthday party and show how all my Pinterest party planning ideas came to fruition.

- A really real look into depression from my perspective.

- Tracking my fitness and weight loss progress as I prepare for my second half marathon.  Accountability, people!

- One of the things I questioned was getting involved in product reviews again.  I decided that I wanted to do book reviews of some of the great children's books we take out at the library (purely for selfish reasons, so that I can remember them!) and other reviews of products I choose that I like, recommend and really use.

- More Curly and Slim fun and funny moments that I want to document. 

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall

Mary Pickford.  Source: WikiCommons/Taken from the Alfred Cheney Johnston Collection at the U.S. Library of Congress

While at the gym recently, I came to a realization: I have a serious case of body dysmorphia ... in reverse.  I'm not blind to the fact that I'm overweight, but the reflection I see doesn't quite match the me that is captured on film.  I still see the thinner me from a few years ago despite not fitting in those clothes anymore; I still feel like the me who can run for miles and miles even if I haven't even been running much lately.  I was doing lunges and watching my form in the mirror and my focus was on my strong legs when it hit me.  Sure, I know that I'm heavy, but oftentimes the positives that I remember outweigh (ha! pun not intended) the negatives that exist and I feel imbued with confidence.  However, when I see pictures I'm in, I'm smacked with reality. Maybe I wouldn't necessarily call it reverse body dysmorphic disorder.  It's probably more akin to denial.

I'll be the first to admit that as a tired mom, I don't always put the greatest care into my looks anymore.  Between two kids, five animals, and being a virtual single mother during the workweek as R travels from state to state, I seldom get a full night's sleep lately.  Being exhausted means I don't always want to put on makeup or style my hair.  Motherhood doesn't negate beauty, but I feel that being a zombie mom can.  I don't want to lose sight of outward displays of femininity as a factor in who I am/somthing that's important to me.  Worse still, fatigue sometimes means I don't have the desire to exercise.  Which especially stinks, because when I do workout, I don't regret it - I feel better and actually increase my energy! Stupid Catch-22.

To break out of the situation I've become ensnared in, I'm setting some goals so that I can fit my mental picture of myself.  I want to be dedicated towards improving my health and living my definition of beauty.  And here's some of the ways I'm going to do that:

- Participate in the Heartland 39.3 Series next Spring.  Training for three half-marathons that occur in the space of one month will be good for my body and for some meditative time to myself.
- Go to the beauty counter and buy new makeup.  I honestly cannot remember when I last bought cosmetics.  I think updating my style and getting out of this beauty rut will do wonders for my perception of my appearance.
- Find a motto that works.  Right now, it's "Go Forward!"  It was taken from an article that I read about Alison Sweeney in a fitness magazine this past Summer.  I don't recall which magazine it was (but this online article tells me it was SELF).  Don't say, "‘I want my body back!’ ... ‘Why go back? Go forward! Be the best you that you can be today. That might be thinner and more toned than ever.’!”
- Only eat what I love AND eat only when I'm hungry.  As one of my favorite bloggers, Tricia of Endurance Isn't Only Physical, says, "It's pretty easy to splurge on junk simply because it's in front of you."   Do I love cake?  No, not really.  Pie is much better.  Holding out for the food that I truly enjoy and paying attention to my body's hunger signs establishes better eating habits.  It also means I can stop finishing the boys' leftovers just because they're there. 

What beauty, fitness, and/or weight loss goals have you set?  What's worked and what hasn't?

Would you trade a year of your life for the perfect body?

My initial reaction?  Yes, absolutely! Apparently I'm not alone, because "almost one-third of young women would trade at least a year of their lives to have a perfect body, according to a new survey of British undergraduates."  But, because I'm me, I over analyzed my decision after the fact. 

Which year would I have to give up?  Would I die at 83 instead of 84?  Would I have to lose a year I've already lived? Under whose interpretation of what defines a perfect body?  Mine? Is a perfect body one that is also healthy?  Ok, so apparently I need the full disclosure on the arrangement, to ensure no Twilight Zone twist!  But if it means I turn 32 next month instead of 31, and I'm going to live a long time beyond that, my answer remains the same.  Yup, I'm in.  Sure, I'm far more than my exterior.  I've also struggled with body image issues since adolescence.  I have no qualms owning my shallowness.  I also simply think it's not just being shallow; looking in the mirror and liking what I see would equate a better quality of life for me. 

A life I long to attain!  Curly turns two in a little more than a week and I have yet to reach my pre-pregnancy weight.  It was nine months on, eight months off with Slim.  I am swiftly approaching the time when I can no longer consider the extra pounds I'm carrying baby weight.

I have ranged from a size 8 to a size 18 in my adulthood.  Life certainly wasn't perfect when I was thinner.  I still managed to find things wrong with myself when I looked like this:

September 2007 - my sister's wedding

September 2008 - 9 weeks pregnant with Curly in San Antonio, TX


versus this:

November 2004 - apparently the first year of marriage agreed with me a little too much

January 2005 - Heaviest I've ever been.  This was my before picture; lost 45 pounds that year.

And although I still complained about my boobs and my postpartum belly sag and my stretch marks and this genetic predisposition I have towards something akin to dowager's hump ... despite all that, I did feel more confident and proud of what my strong body could do.

Unfortunately, today I'm back to where I felt a few years ago, even if I'm not that overweight.


March 2011 - The most recent picture of me

Want to know why that's the most recent picture of me?  Because I don't like how I look right now.  That's a picture of me a week after I ran my first half marathon.  I should be taking delight in what my body is capable of; instead, I'm cropping pictures to show the least amount of me possible.  Pathetic.  I come by my negative body image honestly - my Gran was known for cutting herself out of pictures she didn't like.  I wonder what kind of field day she would have had if she had Photoshop!

Here's the lesson of the day and where I'm asking for accountability.  Would I trade a year of my life for the perfect body?  Looking back, I've traded much longer than that.  If you add up all the time I've spent trying to reach my goal of perfection and believing I had little worth, wasn't I just throwing years away?  Yes, I want to lose weight and fit into a size 8 again.  Of course I do.  But I want to teach my sons the amazing things a fit body can do.  I want to enjoy ALL of who I am and stop obsessing over attaining perfection.  I'm not going to throw out my scale, I need to keep track.  I'm not going to stop negative self talk immediately, that'll take time.  But I am going to set goals.  And then break them down into smaller goals.  I'll report back when I've come up with them!

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And now we interrupt our programming to talk about the kids!

Curly accidentally called my Dad's cell phone this morning.  So lucky that he didn't manage to call 911!

Slim has really been missing R lately.  As I said in my first post, R has an insane commute.  Long story as to why.  Poor Slim has started asking R not to go to work. :(  He's breaking our hearts!